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2025 may 19 at twenty past eleven pm
it's been a while. i'm going to lower the barrier(s) for entry here, in my mind, because that seems like it'll be very worthwhile. because that's the whole point, to have an excuse to write on topics that don't fit anywhere else (yet), haven't been fully/completely fleshed out (yet), etc., etc.
i have a snippets document that i use to recall and remember a lot of individual events that i either know already or assume in the future will mean something greater to me than what it is i normally do. or at least, it's a list of things i cannot recall simply by going backwards in my calendar. i love it :) it's a very touching way to look back on how i ended up here. i think it says something that there are no snippets for 2022, even though it goes back to 2019. they turned out to not be memorable, or the kind of memorable i'd like to hold onto.
and i think that relates to the main thing i had jotted down under this originally obsidian document before i started writing this right now: i wanted to make a little retrospective thought on the night that i watched fighting in the age of loneliness, of course while playing minecraft on me and my friend's server world, nearing 4am. it was originally a blog post i had written called secret heart, and while i hate the way i wrote (i'm glad i both have grown in that and no longer care about the subtle missteps in my current style; i'll keep ironing them out to the ways i think they would be benefitted by), it's a nice thing to look back on.
it was tuesday and wednesday, 7-8th february 2023, and it was right after i had started onboarding for work at the first and so far only coffee shop i have worked at. i kind of miss it, but i miss the idea of it a lot more. the smell was too much most days. and when i look back on my description of that night: walking achily in the cold dark, shaving vehemently, loafing after for hours, organizing without ever completing, playing too many hours of minecraft, and only sleeping from 6-9am so i could get to class on time... i realize i have not changed too much in my habits. i still have that kind of awkward disfunction, an inability to prioritize the important or even work at the ideal. everything else has changed though, and it makes that habitual repetition both much healthier and much more of a comedown from the prioritized work than anything else.
although i am glad that there is one string that ties together that night turned morning to where i sit right now. it is the throughline to my realization that all i want to do is talk about and make art. it is all that i can meaningfully think of as truly vital to me, and one of few avenues that can support me emotionally. i'm glad i finally realized, over years, that i don't care if it can support me financially.
it would be nice, but it will never be the reason for any of this effort, for any of my hopes as outpourings. i'm glad that night touched the needle a bit for me, because she hasn't stopped jumping around in a while lately. i am proud of her, even if she's not me at all.
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