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2025 february 18 at twenty to midnight
on a flight back from san josé right now, and there's a lot that i think has happened for me since my last visit here—enough that i think there isn't a good way to talk about it all, or at least in a way that means much. part of me feels like i can skip a lot for the sake of coming back to it later; this place needs more exhibits anyway;;
the main thing i cannot get over is, after a work meeting back in january (i think? idek anymore) when i realized i don't have the aptitude to manage a medical scribe position atm (at least during this much school & trying to close that door of my life asap), i sort of hate the idea of trying to adjust and mold myself to most environments, especially work.
i like being difficult and trying to find the most comfortable fit, even if it does mean suffering through weird patches like i've been in as of late. but i would love to find that fit that makes me able to live how it feels right to. i'm still 21 though—and i want to feel free to fuck up without making it all that serious in my head, because this is the best time to. i'd like to throw myself to the sea and enjoy the ride; it's lovely and overpoweringly 'human' (wtv that means) to experience so much, and i'm glad i'm reaching closer inside to unlock that comfortability gem within myself, the drive and dedication to overtake norms and others' preferences to instead just make the space for equal footing, not throwing myself away for that sake.
but i'm going to hate moving out of my current apartment, when i no longer have that privileged support to afford it and need to move so far away from the city. it's gonna kill me a lot. meeting new (esp queer) amazing & interesting ppl is what has made it all click for me, and so often those old connections feel regressive and mentally taxing. i love my sister and her partner to death, but god if i don't wish all the time that i could push my drive/motivation closer to finding some fulfilling way(s) to support myself and my own small space, where it all feels ordered just as i like... i am what i rail against sometimes.
also i'm vegetarian now, the only time i should get high is in the aquarium with someone else, i love dj's and everything they make happen in music and socially, i want to be able to make music click for me because it's such a wonderful medium of expression and awe and beauty and pain, i'm taking 18 credit hours this semester, and one of those classes is on hinduism & healing and there's something interestingly revealing about humanity and societies with what's been taught so far, but there's so much work that feels redundant that has already pushed me so many assignments back for it all and i'm scared that there's gonna be some hiccup that forces me back for another semester, and i don't know how i'll take that, but like seriously i love being vegetarian, it feels so obvious once i made it 'official' even though i hadn't bought meat at the grocery store in a long time anyways, because if you're able to get all the nutrients you need in a contemporary world without killing animals why wouldn't you, but also i know that factory egg production is poisonous and disgusting and so is milk production, which is definitely part of the reason why i'm swearing by oat and soy milk now, also because they just taste really good and don't make me sick, and also the friends that i've made since the day after xmas have been so lovely to get to know, and i'm so glad i've been invited and continue to feel comfortable with them, and i really need to finish the collage that i started when i went to their collage club meeting two tuesdays ago, and this flight i'm on right now is super comfortable for the first time ever, not because there isn't turbulence, because there's actually a ton of it, but because i have an extra seat next to me and the window seat and it's the perfect kind of dim in here and there's plenty of legroom, oddly enough, and i think that's all i have to say right now.
ilysm <3
p.s. stuck in dallas / fort worth airport rn x.x at least i had two white claws, but these next ten hours are gonna be tough..
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